There were times when I had no courage

 .... And sometimes a heart full of rage

Days when I did not have the strength to get up

Some days, where I should not have fought back

Poetry that I should not have let other person write

Wars within that I had to fight

Times when I tossed and turned all night

And insignificant people took out life of my life,

Days, I clearly remember I had made a wrong choice,

.... Times when I should not have blocked the divine voice

Weeks, when I should have fled in the opposite direction

And stopped trying to make a connection

There were days that were breathlessly busy

And times that work made me dizzy

But it was only the friends and you

That's helped me to live through

Like a fresh spring leaf new

And dazzling lilies brimmed with dew

You make everything seem to be new . . .

Date: Friday, 30 March 2018

Place: Ahmedabad

Thoughts

Your one thought is enough

To bring back my insomnia

I have spent my nights

In conversation with the stars

Cogitating long moments of the era bygone

Reminiscing the happy times

... And your fallacious decisions

Brings around my systoles

One more night goes past

Like a wasteful life

Yet again I am unable to see, the concordance of the stars

With my eyes being shrouded

Of the flows of my lacrimal fluids

Date: Monday, 29 May 2017

Place: Ahmedabad

New Beginnings ... 2012

After abstaining myself from my own blog for full one year (2011) .... I'm back to pen down my thoughts on the very first day of this year (Its officially 01 Jan 2012 now!)

In restrospect, the year 2011 had mixed feelings for me with extremes of emotions and events. Lost people close in our family while new members joined in. Everyone grew older but some grew smarter ...
Last year's highlights were India's World Cup victory, Anna Hazare's awakening of the nation with his fast, biggest earthquake in Japan and continuing global economic downslide ....
On a personal front, I got new role in my office, my wife quit her job to spend time with me, went on my first ever holiday trip with closest friends to Shimla, my second brother got promoted to Colonel, my bhabhi expecting a baby this year  ..... and more.

With a lot of learnings and realizations having poured in last year, it feels important that I instill them into my life. I have felt over a period of time that my will power has declined and am falling an easy prey to circumstances, which I want to stop .... my first resolution.

Becoming mentally strong and physically fit go hand in hand. I will try to read and enhance the knowledge about my field and use it judiciously. The brain needs to be tamed to learn and think in a focussed manner to reach its desired destination. The focus being an important part, I would need strong control to restrain from all tempting deviations .... where I feel some physical activity should help to keep me mentally active ..... my second resolution!

My lovely wife has taught me things that I never knew I could enjoy. There are self created boundaries around us (and our principles) which prevent us from enjoying life to the fullest. I'm a typical case who cannot find happiness at the most beautiful times while my lovely wife can create an aura of happiness and smiles with random happening events, such is her ability. The most difficult but key resolution is to learn from her and abide by those rules in my life ....

Let us hope that this new year turns up better than the previous ones .... wishing you all a new begining!!

My first operation!

I had enjoyed my day with my family but I could not get sleep that night. As I embraced in the arms of my love, I desired to accumulate all the love that could help me bear the pain going through my body.(I actually amassed quite a handful). Next morning, I had reached the hospital a little late than expected, not for the fear, but for the traffic in Delhi. The day started fine, some diagnosis, a few tests and there I was enjoying the cosy bed of the hospital, with my family.

Little did I realize the suffering of patients alongside my bed. I was dreaming in my own world …thinking sometimes to come out more knowledgeable from the OT. I can (maybe) bug a few doctors to tell me more about our body (I have always been fascinated by the human body). There was some tension in the air and more so, on the face of my family members. I could not understand what that signified. Finally I went through some of the preliminary diagnostic tests (conducted in one of the most unprofessional way) which were fun for me. I was told that these would be used in the OT to help surgeons find the coordinates of the kidney stone. Most people in the hospital were young and energetic but lacked that zing that can bring a smile on a patients face! My turn came and finally (at 1245 hrs) I went to the operation theatre. The lift was bumpy, chair uncomfortable, people staring at me ……. in that short journey to the OT!

The surgeons were ready. Amused, I sat on the bed….curiously looking at the various equipments that assisted them.  One of the anesthetist, came from behind, held me and injected into my back. Another one to follow and I was crying with pain….with a smile on my face. The last big one was the one that could bring tears to a beast …. inserted painfully into my spinal cord. And I was no longer amused.
Immediately, I could recall the experiences of people telling me their horrifying tales of operations. A thick fluid of anesthesia had flowed through my body in a matter of seconds and my lower part of the body became numb. There was no feeling, no pain and I could not even realize that my body had been lifted by the surgeons. They had starting operating on me even before I could realize it.

A series of monitors displaying various parts of the body and continuous scans, deliberately moved away from the patient’s vision. I could no longer feel any pain but something piercing through my body was evident. After about 40 mins, they turned me back on my stomach and drilled through my kidney. They were glad that they could reach to the kidney stone and after a few attempts managed to get hold of it. The sensation was there, numbness had declined and I could feel the pain of instruments going through my body.  I was feeling drowsy, but my curiosity to know more about my body over powered it and I did not fell asleep, as most surgeons had expected.

After battling for almost 2 hours I came out of the OT(on a stretcher), at 1435, bruised and bandaged for good. All of my closest companions gathered around to see me and asked me to rest and sleep. I wasn’t getting any. The legs were still heavy and I was unable to move or lift them.  As time passed, the movement started building and so did the pain…. a different kind of pain! The irony was quite interesting, to control the pain after the surgery pain killer injections needs to be administered, which themselves cause a lot of pain. I was bold and often tried to forget the pain. I got motivation from those soldiers who are fighting for us and often bear the pain for their country with a valour. My pain seemed miniscule in front of them and I could easily overcome that.  My mom wanted to stay with me that night and everyone agreed.(...given her unconditional love and strong emotions, no one on this earth could have refused!) The night was difficult, no sleep, lot of pain, poorly administered syringes and above all the inconvenience that I had caused to all the family members.

The next day was worse …. with long stretches of intense pain and a list of relatives and well wishers who came to see me. The combination was lethal. Lots of pain and discomfort had my body screaming and screeching (inside me) and I could no longer hide it …. it began showing on my face. A lot of pain in the kidney and convulsions in my stomach were a little too much for me to bear.
Everyone around was tensed and worried. I could sense those worries in the air and only later did I realize that the uncomfortable feeling was amalgamated in the hospital air. All the patients in the hospital have had their share of suffering and pain and not one had a smile on their face……..…so I decided to keep one!

As the day progressed, there were moments of intense pain and troubles. But the day ended and I had my beautiful wife beside me to take care of me that night. The condition was improving by the end of the day… had some food and could also get sleep after a brief talk with her. The next morning, I woke up fresh after a good night’s sleep…. sleeping almost after 2 nights.  The pain had decreased, but the bandages were making it uncomfortable for me to even sit or move around.

After an initial round of discussion with the doctor and a review of the incision by the panel of doctors, I got discharged from the hospital and was allowed to go back home.

My first stay as a patient in the hospital has fetched a mixed bag of feelings. Doctors are considered next to Gods in our country and they may be right, but among those human Gods are demons hiding too.

A disease brings with it enormous suffering for the patient and family, financial casualty, mental distress, horrifying experiences and a lot of learnings....

13 September 2010

From US … to OT

It was a dream come true. I was very energized; the thought of going to the US had filled my heart and mind with endless thoughts. The excitement increased …

Stories of fellow colleagues & friends had spiraled my emotions with the thought of visiting a country, considered a dream destination. All the preparation fell in place that would eventually take me to the US and the excitement continued to build up.

While I was preparing the list of items for my upcoming trip, the destiny has other words to say.

A tiny piece of stone, that can shed a rainfall of tears, created an unbearable excruciating pain throughout my body (…and it was raining outside!) Another small thing called love, had changed a part of my life. The love of my family, friends, parents and unnamed relations created a desire to fight, a fight to win. I had been diagnosed a kidney stone that spilled chills through my spine. The excitement had shifted …

I had never imagined that two small things could change your life forever!

The journey from US to OT had begun. My unending source of inspiration, a true lover and a significant part of my life – my wife, happened to take over my mind which helped me transform my journey.

And so I was venturing into a new unidentified environment known best to me – my body. I was about to enjoy an unforgettable trip ….. sequenced to an unimaginable experience.

A new journey had begun …

… and ambition had again kneeled down in front of fate!

Yes No or May be ...

It was just one of those days, when I was my usual self, and was talking to one of the best persons I ever met in my life. The talks happened to move in a direction where logic and philosophy meet or I would say diverge...


It's there in all of us and we do it every day, every minute of our life... (and sometimes for others too!) Yes I am talking out taking decision or rather not taking one!


What drives us to take the decision? What do we think before taking one? On what basis do we make a choice or leave some? Is it just the circumstances or options before us? Or is there more ...


Well as long as there have been humans ...the power to take decision has rested on one individual - the king, the minister, the church, the pope, the president or just the head of a family. Often times, a lot of people are not satisfied with the decisions that have been taken, and all of us have seen this several times in our lives. When we were small, our choice, however small was not heard of...we had to eat according to someone's choice, dress up like they want and play when they like. It was no different in school, with our teachers making us study when the weather was romantic and play when it was raining. So as we grew up, we had just one more desire .... to do things OUR way!


That just translates into making our own decisions, that we like, which make us feel happy and we can take full ownership of it...making no complaints.


At such a juncture in life, we make a lot of decisions and fail in hell lot of them. Most of those decisions are based on bias, friends opinions, guesses and yes .... some thinking! And then we learn from those wrong decisions that we call mistake...cause there is a retake, and we learn more as we climb the ladder called experience. But its not as simple as this. Often we are in a fix, when we want to help someone we love at the cost of our own benefit. As civilized people, its easy to take that decision and we tend to give happiness to others. This makes us happy and we feel proud of ... even a small achievement! But it does not end there .....there is bound to be some dissonance afterwards.


One of my best friend, visited me after a long time and he had a 3 year old kid then. And while we indulged in our long talks, our kids started fighting over their toys. I happened to explain to my son that they were our guests, and he ought to share his toys with him for some time. In complete disagreement, he gave them and walked off. I realised later, those small toys that he does not even play with anymore, are his universe, which he owns and loves tremendously.All the time, my friends kid was playing with his toys, he felt bad and cried.


We also fail to share things that we love the most and when we have to the feeling is not pleasant...


So is there a right way to take those conflicting decisions? I was at the same point, a decision could change my life in one way and potentially change my loved ones life in another. I was, as usual, perplexed. One approach was to delay the judgement, till the option seems obvious, but then the decision has to be taken!

There are multiple ways that philosophers and scientists have come out with for dealing with situations that do not hurt anyone and take the mid-way.
'Gita' tells us to take the middle-path and not to be swayed in one direction. Our upbringing and the way society taught us to take concrete decisions to move forward.....are boolean - Yes or No, 1 or 0 and right or wrong. But then there are also answers based on probability like - Likely, Perhaps, or May be.


All through the day, we discussed the best way to take decisions is based on logic (boolean) or a philosophy of life ('Gita') (I am extremely grateful to her for this)


I have not found the best set of answers in my life. Have you?